Tuesday, February 14, 2012

2012/365 - Day 45

I had forgotten what this feels like

I have some personal stuff going on and I thought I was going to slough it off and get past it but today I find myself where I thought I would never be again. I wasn't going to write about this -- and I am not going into the details of it -- but I think that for my own sake I need to write it down in order to try to move beyond it.

I can't believe I am writing these words but tonight I am flat on my back in the absolute lowest depths of the pit. The blackest, darkest recesses of the most forsaken place that I was sure I'd never see again. The overwhelming sorrow and hurt, the self-loathing, the stupid horrible despair. I am grateful for the sleep that filled most of the afternoon and evening because very inch of me physically hurts, it takes every ounce of will to move. It is painful to breathe, to move my legs, to open and close my hands. My heart is crushed and broken and will never be the same.

I just feel so defeated and worthless...how could I allow this to happen. How could I ignore all of my warning signs.

I am not going to give myself over to this. I won't allow it to swallow me whole...not ever again. I will ride this out tonight and get back up tomorrow and press on.


williamhessian said...

stay strong Took! Last night, I woke up in the middle of the night with my once a year panic attack. As terrible and horrifying as I feel I promise myself to use it as ammunition in my art, as so many great troubled artists have done in the past.

Woodie said...

thinking of you. Hold on, I know saying pain makes us stronger isn't helpful to hear, but I do like William's comment that it can feed our art. You aren't alone, and don't forget that, either.

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